If

Many people like the word “if”, though nearly none of us think that possible. But why do we still like that word?
    In fact, it’s easy to understand. Many of us want more than we can get. So there comes the word “if”. Do you think so? What’s more, we are more impetuous.
    When we were still little guys, we always had daydreams, dreaming that we would fly, dreaming that we would be the princes or the princesses, dreaming that we would grow to be adults faster and so on. So as simple-minded children, we used to use the word “if”. If I were a bird; if I were the superman; if I were the clouds in the sky; if…
    Wandering along the street, I always hear others say, “If I hadn’t believed the ads, I would have saved the money!” “Next time if I see such ads, I would never believe those again!” As I go on and on, I find that many of us always regret doing something. Why so? Because nowadays people always forget the saying that look before you leap. We are so impetuous that we seldom stop to think over another second of the thing we are going to do. As a result, we always regret that we haven’t thought things over clearly.
    So no more “if”, because we are no longer little children that always daydream and also our life is too short to sustain so many ifs. We have no time to regret.

I like for you to be still

                        I like for you to be still: it is as though you are absent

and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you

It seems as through your eyes had flown away

and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth

As all things are filled with my soul

your emerge from the things, fill with my soul

You are like my soul, a butterfly of dreams

and you are like the word melancholy

I like for you to be still, and you seem far away

It sounds as though you are lamenting, a butterfly cooing like a dove

And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you

Let me come to be still in your silence

And let me talk to you with your silence

That is bright like a lamp, simple as a ring

You are like the night, with its stillness and constellations

Your silence is that of a star, as remont and candid

I like for you to be still: it is as though you are absent

distant and dull of sorrow, as though you had died

One word then, one smile, is enough

And I'm happy, happy that's not true

Ten years of marriage

Marriage is a magical word. The longer you are married, the more you need  to treasure it and care it, and never take it for granted.
They say that marriage needs caring and tending just like a young tree. If you do not water it or it does not enjoy plenty of sunshine, it will wither. I think it is a good and colorful metaphor which will always remind me that I need to pay attention to my marriage. I just celebrated my 10th anniversary of wedding, now as I look back, I write down whatever is on mind.

Ten years may be long to someone, but to me, as if I only met my wife just yesterday. Back then, she was just 22 years old, how youthful and cheerful   she was. We used to sit down on the sandy beach, the trees are whirling, the  congenial breeze was blowing, and we were lying on the sand, chatting and dreaming about our future, picturing what a nice villa and a car we’d like to own, and how many children we are going to have.

In fact, life turned out to be not as romantic and rosy as we imagined.We had  ups and downs together, and our love produced luscious fruits, a lovely daughter and a naughty son.

Looking at the wedding photos, I can still clearly remember the days we were married. How happy we were then. I am thankful that God gave me such a nice and beautiful wife.Yes, I have to admit secretly that my wife is beautiful,which is partly the reason that I fell in love with her at the first sight. Anyway, it is in man's nature to love beauty, isn't it? In the same way, it is in woman's nature to love handsome man.(It is a pity I  do not belong to the category, and my wife is always complaining that her dream white prince is not that handsome, and to be honest, a little bit short.)My appearance let her down.

It is always amusing to think of some of the scenes in the past, my wife liked to buy fancy and fashionable clothes, after trying it in front of the mirror, she would ask my opinions of how she looked in the new clothes. I was getting tired of this, every time I would open my eyes widely and gazed at the clothes closely, and then winked, saying jokingly:” How beautiful you are in the new clothes! But you would be more beautiful with nothing on”, she would get angry, chasing and cursing:” you wicked man!"

Now I came to realize that, besides beauty, she has something beautiful inside. Beauty is just skin deep, I know that. But inner beauty never will vanish or fade, it will always shine brilliantly. I felt depressed easily when thing went amiss with me or I had a certain bad luck, but she would always be there to   encourage me, telling me to focus on the positive side, to cherish myself  and face the setbacks head-on, she even bought some psychology books to read to better comfort me. Sometimes, I couldn't fall asleep at night; she was there to comfort me, rubbing my feet. Strangely enough, my insomnia disappeared. To my great amusement, I began to fall asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow while my wife was constantly woken or kept awake by her trumpeting (snoring) partner! It may be easy to do such these things for a day or two, but it takes patience, perseverance, more importantly, love to stick to it.  Now as I am writing down these lines, tears began to stream down my face. Moved? Happy or bittersweet tears? Only I know what it is.
"I,  take you , to be my wife to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. "The words moved me to tears whenever Isaw western wedding ceremony, most probably they mean it when saying so, but many couples turn out to strangers or enemies, both hurt seriously. Buddhism has a saying: it takes ten years of destiny to take the same boat and a hundred of destiny to share the same bed (with someone), but I used to lose my temper at my wife when I got blues, she just suffered silently.

When our daughter was born into the world, I was not at her side and it was not because of my job that I was not there instead I enjoyed myself with some friends, never did I change a wet diaper. How selfish I was! 5 years later, she gave birth to our son. And I moved to another place; seldom did I stay with her. She lived in her unit, looking after our daughter with on one around to help her. To make things worse, there was no one living in the unit during night, I could never imagine how she managed to be so courageous. "A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water", I think that my wife is even so, but I would rather I myself get into hot water instead of her.” You can not just love someone by saying you love some-one wholeheartedly while doing nothing for her.” Actions speak louder than words".

I am not successful, nor ambitious, but it is my responsibility to make sure my wife and children have a happy life. It is her dream to buy a decent car so that we can improve our life quality, but the flats cost us a huge amount of  money, we are still in debt, I made a promise that one day a nice car will be bought for her, I need to keep my promise, I need to earn a little bit more  money to make it a reality.
Dear wife, you are the only one I would like to spend the rest of life with!  I am fortunate to have you as my partner, I will love you more and more   every single happy.
“If I got down on my knees I’m being with you
if I cross a million oceans just to be with you.
would you ever let me down?

If I climb the highest mountain just to hold you tight.
If I said that I would love you every single night.
Would you ever let me down?”
My darling, deep in my heart, I know you will never let me down, ten years of marriage has given me a definite answer.

You make me so much stronger

Sitting at the back seat with my son, I felt my head hurt like hell as if it was going to explode at any time. I suffered from periodic migrainous neuralgia for many years. It has become part of my life and never bothered me too much until now. Usually, I took some pills and went for a sleep, when I woke up my old friend would go away. However, for this time the timing was really bad. We were heading home from a weekend short trip, and my son was in a high gear after a good nap. So it was impossible for me to have some quiet time, let alone a sleep. I sucked in deep breaths, fighting hot nausea which boiled in my throat. Oh, no. I can't throw up in front of my son. It would scare him. I told myself over and over again.

“Mama, Mama.." my son handed me a picture book and implored me to tell him a story. With the back of head exploding with pain, I couldn’t concentrate on the book. The words on it seemed to swirl out of the focus, so I made up one through my confused thoughts: Fox mother was sick, and the baby fox was getting hungry…. My voice was weak and twisted, as if from some far away stranger.

“Are you OK?” came from my husband, and his voice sounded strange and distant too. I didn’t know how to reply for a moment until I heard his anxious voice again: Answer me, are you all right?"

“Fine.” That’s all I could manage to speak. He was driving the car on a highway, and I couldn’t trouble him now.

“Mami is sick, be good and give mami a kiss, OK?" my husband said to my son.

Yu was so adorable that he climbed up on my legs and gave me a sweet kiss. Then he put his arms around my neck and tucked his head under my chin. “Gai, Gai.” he babbled when he pat me on the arms lightly. He tried to tuck me in like we did for him when he was not well.  For a moment, I felt my eyes stinging a little as if an invisible hand had just squeezed my heart. My son is only one and nine month old. It is impossible for him to fully understand what was going on, right?

I wanted to hold him like that forever, but the position made my head throb even worse. All the trees and bushes outside of the car window did a quick, sickening whirl. Lightly, I put him aside. For the next time, he behaved really well. He played his thumb and toy alone until he found a plane in the sky. "Fei fei" he exclaimed excitedly. We were driving on a highway, so soon the airplane disappeared into thin air. He couldn’t understand----in his memory, the plane would hang in the sky for a while. A logic answer to this mystery popped up in his little head---the plane must play hide-and-seek with him. So he covered his eyes with his plump hands for a minute. When he opened his eyes again and failed to find the plane, his lips pouted and he started to wail. Usually his logic would make me burst into a round of laugh. But not this time. Luckily, yu is not a wailing baby, and he is not difficult to deal with when he is crying.

We finally made home. When my husband was pulling over the car, I couldn‘t hold it any more. I bent over with my hands braced on my knees and I puked all over. I heard my parents coming around, "Are you Okey?"

“Get him out of there.” I managed to say. Yu was so scared. Sorry, my love.

When I felt better, I tormented myself with what-if scenarios. I am not in a fragile condition, but exposed myself long time to an unhealthy life-style, I have never been strong. What would happen to my son if I died untimely? I knew that physically he would be well-cared for. But what about his emotional wellbeing? He would grow up feeling abandoned by his mother, and no amount of logic would offset that primitive response.  It is time to make some changes. I didn’t have a care in the world, but now I have my boy to consider. It’s my responsibility to raise him, discipline him, and keep him safe while mold him into a responsible human being. So I need to take care of myself well first. From now on, I will pay regular visit to gym, and shy away all the unhealthy habits. I used not be a worrier, but I am a mother now.

without you

------
No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
You sorrow shows
Yes it shows
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore
Well I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
You sorrow shows
Yes it shows
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore

The last dinner

Last week, on mutual agreement, David and I packed our traveling bag and got on the bus heading for Qufu, the sacred city where the great philosopher Confucius once lived and studied. It’s about 20minutes’ travel. Usually, with nowhere to go, we just choose to hang around the neighboring towns or cities on weekends. There, we spent a happy day strolling around rows of fancy souvenir shops and art galleries. It was not until dark that we remembered to came back. It was 7 a.m. when we got off the bus. David suggested we have dinner in a Sichuan Hotpot Restaurant, explaining that the mutton would provide me with more energy and warm my stiff body. On hearing this, I breathed hard on my palms and rubbed my hands.

The moment David set our luggage aside, I opened the menu and began my selection. I ordered three plates of mutton, one plate of beef and some vegetables, including potato slices, spinach, and onions. David added some frozen tofu, shrimps and a plate of dumplings. Later, a waitress came over with a kettle. She took the menu and poured some white liquid into the pot, which was prefixed on the table. Then she switched the gas on and adjusted the fire. No sooner had the soup started to bubble than I put some potato slices in and stired. I bet I could eat an ox then! Noticing my nervous expression, David chuckled under his breath. I suppose he must be hungry as well, but he is a guy who always maintains his composure whatever. As the soup boiled over, David turned down the gas and put in some slices of mutton. Then began the race to scoop up meat from the pot. The mutton should be fished out with a high speed, otherwise it will go tough.

During the next hour, we just enjoyed our share of food separately, not bothering to care about each other. I managed to ladle some soup to David’s bowl, but was refused with a serious look. “Take care, You mustn’t burn yourself!” I moved my mouth to one side, convincing that our relationship changed much after marriage. There are not many formalities or trifles, and polite remarks are left out. If we do need to exchange views, we just speak it out bluntly. I wonder if it is an intimacy or estrangement. But in the last year when we were dating each other, we always ended up in a fancy restaurant. Every time we sat face to face, David and I would stand on ceremony. When a new dish came, I pushed it to his side, and then he pushed back, teasing his arm is longer than mine. David is humorous. Maybe as time goes by, we become much closer. Our relationship is far beyond the simple connection between husband and wife, but transforms into the affection among family members. David loves me so much and I too.

Finally, we each have had our stomach full. Not expecting to waste a grain, I took up my chopsticks and forced a few morsels in. David put down his fork and leaned back, “Emma, I must tell you something important.”

“What is it?” I looked up, surprised.

“Would you go back home and spend a few days with your parents?” David assumed a serious look.

“Why?” My voice a little blurred, I feel my heart pounding hard.

“I will be away on a business trip. Maybe you prefer to stay with your parents.” David responded in a feigned flat tone.

Heaving a long sigh, I felt relaxed. I had thought …

People hate David just because he always purposely makes a mystery of simple things. I realized he just intended to make me a fool. I replied in a casual way, “Certainly, you can go anywhere you like. This is our last dinner.” We both smiled. 

The winter clothing scheme

Today is Sunday, the last day of October. When I crawled out of my nest, I approached the window and draw apart the curtains. Out of expect, an icy current blew against my face, went into my nostrils, spoiling and ravaging my weak respiratory system. It seemed every nerve in my body was awakened. I coughed and kept sneezing. By instinct, I put my hand across my mouth, thus coughing pacified. Seeing my frightened look, my husband David went over and put my coat over my shoulder. One step forward, I discovered window panes were white with a thin coat of frost. “Damned weather. It should be brisk and pleasant in autumn.” I gave a puff towards the glass, tiny water drops streaming down. “Honey, there are not so many ‘should-bes’. We are experiencing unseasonable autumn weather recently. Do you remember last winter?” David assumed a mock-serious manner. Certainly I do. The cold was unbearable. My office was like an icehouse that whatever clothes you threw upon, your feet and hands still remained stiff and numb. We had to resort to hot-water bag to warm our fingers.

“Dear, don’t dwell on the past any more. Get dressed and let’s go shopping. Maybe you need a new pair of feather trousers.” David’s high-pitched voice cut off my thoughts, reining them from drifting farther. I always compare David as the worm in my stomach. Yes, he is right. I need a new pair of feather trousers. For one thing, a new cold air front is reported to be approaching Northern China. For another, my work place has moved into the western suburbs, where there are few trees and buildings to fend off the whistling winds. I swiftly slipped the clothes on and went into the washing room.

Since we moved, I have little time to go shopping. There are no commercial areas in the west. Department stores and shopping malls are clustered in the east section. Not having been in downtown for a week, I feel as if I were deserted by this bustling city. On the bus, David told me the price for feather coats has gone up dramatically, together with edible oil, sugar, vegetables and so on. My heart quivered a bit. Our monthly salary remains unchanged, how could daily goods be raised? With living expenses deducted, we have little left on the saving account every month. I explained to David that there was no need to buy an expensive one and that we had to battle against the rocketing prices. David smiled, squeezing my arm. “Dear, we only buy things we need badly, but that doesn’t mean we are bargain-hunters. Remember quality counts.” Then we spent the whole morning strolling around shelves of mountains of winter clothing, feeling the material, selecting the style, and comparing the color. Finally, our eyes were locked on a pair of black feather trousers, soft and smart. After trying it on, we were both satisfied. Though it may appear a bit swollen, it would get me through the cold winter. Money is easily spent than earned. A small portion of my salary was gone, but I gained love and care. David is a nice guy, I appreciate the opportunity to be his wife.