The journey of my learning and teaching English

I have learned English for almost 20 years, since the very first day I entered  junior school. At that time, the learning condition was beyond imagination.  No tape recorder, no walkman, no English channel, no qualified English teachers in my hometown. I did not remember clearly why I was infatuated with   English. Back when I was a middle school student, my favorite subject was  Chinese, I was proud of my compositions, which were often read to the whole class as "model essays" It is a pity that I didn't turn out to be a famous writer, my talent at writing was submerged before it surfaced.     When I told my students that my first English teacher was a man who has acted as an interpreter for the Japanese army when they invaded China, they burst out laughing, they did not take what I said seriously, but actually I was telling the truth! His major is Japanese. It is my senior high school teacher who encouraged to take up English as my major.(You know, at that time, it was a hard decision to make, I was dreaming of being a writer and winning Nobel Literature Prize for China!) To tell the truth, I am personally grateful for him, he has been so generous to me as to offer to share his apartment with me to save me much inconvenience. Moreover, he let me choose my own way of learning, which was very rare at that time. And the sad fact is that I often cut him short and made him embarrassed by asking him tricky or silly questions, with which he was always tolerant. Since my primary school day, I had developed the habit of airing my views whenever it occurred to me.      I entered a just so-so college majoring English, two years of learning English offered a good beginning. As time went by, my memory of college years blurred, but some scenes do stand out, I was nicknamed by my head teacher as" living dictionary", whenever I went ,  I carried a pocket-sized dictionary with me. I spent most of evenings in school library reading China Daily, Beijing Review, copying those unfamiliar words on a piece of paper and later consulted them in dictionary. When my roommates were playing cards or courting girls, I buried myself in English or Chinese periodicals.(so you see, my college life was dull rather than colorful!) My speaking skill didn't develop as my reading skills. I still remembered the first time I was asked to read a short passage to the whole class, I was so nervous! Shame, once properly handled, can sometimes turn out to be a disguised blessing, I decided to improve my pronunciation and intonation, which was the hard part of the battle, I bought many tapes, listened to VOA, BBC every evening and read New Concept English in the morning. My efforts, at last, paid off more or less. When it was time to say goodbye to my college, my dean, who is almost as obscure as my small college, said to me, “learning is a lifelong process, college is not the final destination. If anyone keeps on reading English magazines or newspapers for 20 years, he is sure to become a master or an expert in this field!’ Looking at the old professor with gray hair and thick glasses,  I thought these were words from the bottom of his hearts, I set up my mind to speak good English. This has been my college life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chances were offered to me. Looking back, I don't complain that life was not fair to me, instead, I thank all those people who have stepped into my life and gave me a hand when I needed. I appreciate all their timely help and unselfish aid.   Now I have stepped into the real world, I got a job far away from my hometown, teaching kids English. Although working pressure was heavy, I enjoyed my job anyway. During my spare time, I locked myself in the study. It happened that Li Yang Crazy English began to spread throughout China; I couldn't wait to lay my hands on books and materials of Crazy English. After reading Li Ying's story, I was deeply touched.         At that time, I had no girl friend to flatter, no family to support, it is easy for me to focus on something which interested me. My dean words still lingered in my mind "Learning is a lifelong process; college is not the final destination” Since I was fairly started in English learning, there was no excuse to give up or turn back. I began to read English novels, altogether, I have read about 20 English novels, Jane Eyre, Gone with  the wind, the thorn bird, the Wuthering heights, Godfather, the White whale, The adventure of Tom Sawyer, to name just a few. To be frank, I could not understand everything in the novels, but I just kept on. Step by step, I began to better appreciate the beauty of the language while enjoying those stories. I also read some easy readings such as 21st century, English saloon or some simplified novels. You know, One can easily get upset or bored when you reach a kind of "plateau", so you have to encourage yourself by all possible means to ensure that you have a sense of achievement.      It took me almost 2 years to finish reading those 20 novels, some of which I only covered half or less. At the same time, I took the self- study courses in English and graduated with excellence. To my amazement, I was able to think in English, if I wanted to express myself in English, I didn't have to think of any Chinese first. This, I think, was a great step forward and it was also the result of years of enthusiastic, continuous and hard work, which anyone who has no determination can ever achieve. Someone said,” The most important thing in life is to have a great aim and the determination to attain it.” I am a strong believer of it. One interesting fact I like to cite here is I was always dreaming in English during that crazy period and my roommate often played jokes on me the following day. Once I read an article by a famous professor from Nanjing University who said that students of English department in Nanjing University speak English in their dreams. Until then did I realize that he was telling truth?        Did I stop here or move on? Fortunately I got a chance to receive a two-month intensive training in England in the year 2002. It is a dream came true. I had a fabulous time there, I met so many interesting people, visited so many wonderful places, experienced so many strange adventures, but the most important thing is that I finally got a chance to speak English to real Englishmen, I made full use of the time by watching British TV, read daily mirror, Evening standard, Guardian, talk to all kinds of Englishmen with a large variety of accents. I was praised on many occasions for my English, which I suppose is just a polite way of showing their kindness, but anyway I was tickled to death by other's remarks. Being happy was one thing, and feeling motivated was     another. I resolved to speak better English to meet that praisal.Each time I was praised by others, I asked myself "Am I that good?" That is why I keep on learning English after graduation from college so many years. Teaching English is joy, learning English is fun. My work is my pleasure, It seems that I belong to those whose work and pleasure are one. I would like to say that I am never ever afraid of making mistakes and showing my weak points to others inmy English skills. I know that my English is far from perfect,. but who cares? As long as I enjoy the process of learning, I have found out the true meaning of life: Be a happy learner, be a happy man, and share happiness with others

Lights out, my dear

Yu was stung by some vicious mosquitoes. My poor, poor little baby, his plump hands, his soft cheek and his little chin were all attacked, and to the worse, the place where mosquitoes bit were swollen now. Since one of these places was right under his left eye, and it was so swollen that he could barely open his eye. I could hardly bring myself to look at his miserable face. I was afraid that the mere sight of it would throw me into a murderous rage. I am not violent type but now I wanted to catch the mosquito, and I wanted to reach down its throat, grape its small intestines, pulled it out of its mouth and tied it around its neck… literally.

But Yu was still happy and adorable like usual. His small face split into a wide smile when he spotted me through the line he worked so hard to make with his eyes----which made it even more unbearable to look at. "Did you bite by mosquito?" I asked him. To reply my question, he reached his little hand---which was also red and swollen—for me to have a better look. ”Wu, wu…” he whimpered. And I wanted to cry. My mum felt even more terrible about it. Plus worries, she also felt guilt---as if it was her fault that she couldn’t protect yu from the mosquitoes attack. Thinking about it, I gulped down my tears and put a real good face on it. “You are a very brave baby, aren't you? Don’t be afraid, my dear.” I said and gave him a real hug.

Before we were out of the parking lot, Yu already fell asleep. That was a gift he had. He never had troubles in sleeping.  And no matter how excited he was, as soon as we got the car started, he would fell asleep within a few minutes. Lights out my son. Mummy promised you that tonight there would be no mosquito bothering you.

In the Name of Love

The other day I received a call from a good friend’s girlfriend, because she found a bill to me in his purse. She asked me something about it. I told her he borrowed money from me and just returned it to me. She then asked me what’s the use of the money. I frankly told her I knew nothing about it. She accused me of lending money to him without knowing the use. I said I didn’t think I needed to ask such questions, since I knew him for a long time and trusted him. She continued to ask more about it and myself. I said: “ Why you ask me such question? ” She said，“I think I have right to know about it.” I still said with a peaceful tone “ I don’t think you have right to know about it. If he agrees me to tell you, I will tell you. If not, I won’t tell you. Because he is my friend, while I don't know you at all. I should respect him first.” The words enraged her and she lost her temper and shouted me discourteously on the phone.

“I have right to know about it.” I’m sure that this saying is familiar to us. It’s not my first time to meet a girl like this. Some girls, maybe most of the girls, think they have right to know everything about her boyfriend.

In my personal opinion, every one is independent, belonging to nobody except himself. The parents gave us our life, but cannot go through our life instead of us. The bosom friends can touch our hearts and feeling but cannot taste the happiness and bitterness in our life. Therefore, I always attach selfhood most. My life, my feeling and I just belong to myself only. In my inner belief , for me, I should be responsible for myself ; and for the others, I should respect him, including his feeling, his choice and his life. I hate everyone who thinks he has right to know everything about other people, to interfere others’s choices and to invade others’ personal spaces.

It’s said that pesons are like hedgehogs in need of warmess. If we are too far away, we can’t get warmness from each other. If we are too close, the thorns over our body will hurt each other. Therefore, the perfect distance between persons is neither too far way nor too close. We should care for, believe and contain each other, and above all, we should leave each other a personal time and space.

However, a lot of persons are aways against the rule. During our childhood, a lot of parents request their children what to do and what not to do, even impose their will on the children. Generally the parents choose the school, the major and even the way of the future for the children. Since we are little child, we are told to do whatever adults tell us to do. Increasingly we lose the ability of listening to our inner heart and just do whatever others tell us to do. That’s why we lose the ability of innovation, which is the largest power and motivation for our civilization. For inviduals it causes our spirit world becoming vacuous and boring, since we don’t know what we want and what we are intersted in and what we can do. We don’t know where our heart is. Gradually we lose the zest and interest of life, which is the major reason for high suicide. In some way, this is a kind of hurt, in the name of love.

To make matter worse, few persons look through this matter. We are hurt when we are children. We hurt others when we grow up. When we are in love, we take the right for granted that to contol our lover’s everything, including his choice, his money, his socienty relationship, and even his feeling, as my friend’s girlfriend said, “I have right to know about it.” When we are parents, we follow the same way as our parents. We think we have right to interfere other people, who is intimate and important in our heart. As a familiar saying, that’s because I love you. Therefore, in the name of love, we hurt our most intimate person without guilt. However, as a famous writer Gaoersiji said, even a hen can love his own children, but most of all, how to love. Everyone can love other people, however, the way to show love is the most important. If a love cannot make each other feel safe, comfortable and inspiring, it is an unhealthy love which should die and cannot survive. We love just we want warmness and comfort. It’s the obligation that we should stand on each other’s point and try our best to give each other this kind of feeling.

A true love is an unconditional love in which pay without thought of gain; a sincere love is a selfless love in which thinking about others rather than himself; a healthy love is a comfortable love which contain concern rather than interposition, communication rather than inquest, respect rather than interference, help rather than substitute, toleration rather than nit-pick.

I am back!

I haven’t updated my blog for a long time, but I felt extremely happy and calm when I saw today that there were so many supporters to read my diary, my life. Thank you!

After last interview which was described last article, I attended my second interview in a company which is called “Guangzhou SurExam Bio-Tech Company” in Science City, Guangzhou on Jan’3rd. My BF and I went there on Jan’ 2^nd to ensure I could get good preparation the next day. In fact, I like this company when I first saw it and my critical BF also has the same feeling. I thought that I prepared this interview well, and I successfully passed five turns interviews at last. You know, I indeed felt that I am one of the luckiest girls in this world. I never ask my company about the salary though my employer said that I could ask some questions about this job, because I know that I am always the student in the university, and in fact, I am lack of society experience. Because of my heavy experiment job and I love this company, and then I didn’t deliver any resume to any other place.

I arrived at my home to enjoy my spring festive on Feb’ 8^th, and I got back my university on Feb’20^th. I always have the pressure of my graduation and paper, therefore, I didn’t live my life well these months. You know, I must worry about my experiments, extremely the result was not as good as I predicted before.

I found that it is difficult to express myself now because I wrote few recently, but I will try my best. I would like to say something about my love affair. My BF Gary and I quarreled once seriously in March, and at that moment, I nearly left him alone. Fortunately, he found that it was his fault immediately, and after two days anger, I accept his apology finally. Frankly speaking, I was also responsible for that quarrel, but my BF loves me more and made us regain our happy life. Now, some of my classmates still ask me such questions like why I chose him as my boyfriend because few girls could accept BF’s height is lower than them. As for me, I don’t think that is necessary for two people’s relationship. There is a saying that beauty is the eyes of the beholder. It is true. I like him, he is so cute.Haha.

A large number of my friends envy me that I have found a job, had a darling boyfriend, and I would graduate in advance. Yeah, compared to them, I indeed have too many kind people in my life, that is my fortune. I think that I should always think about these fortunate things and kind people so that I could move on no matter how difficult my situation is.

There is one thing which I consider more and carefully than before. That is parents are the most important people in my life, though I always make them angry. For example, I never get up early and always get up at noon when I enjoy holidays at home no matter whether somebody will visit us. I must treat Dad and Mom well in my future life to pay back their devotion on my growth. I am looking forward to one day that I could make money to buy something for them. I know that, that day is coming!

The last dinner

Last week, on mutual agreement, David and I packed our traveling bag and got on the bus heading for Qufu, the sacred city where the great philosopher Confucius once lived and studied. It’s about 20minutes’ travel. Usually, with nowhere to go, we just choose to hang around the neighboring towns or cities on weekends. There, we spent a happy day strolling around rows of fancy souvenir shops and art galleries. It was not until dark that we remembered to came back. It was 7 a.m. when we got off the bus. David suggested we have dinner in a Sichuan Hotpot Restaurant, explaining that the mutton would provide me with more energy and warm my stiff body. On hearing this, I breathed hard on my palms and rubbed my hands.

The moment David set our luggage aside, I opened the menu and began my selection. I ordered three plates of mutton, one plate of beef and some vegetables, including potato slices, spinach, and onions. David added some frozen tofu, shrimps and a plate of dumplings. Later, a waitress came over with a kettle. She took the menu and poured some white liquid into the pot, which was prefixed on the table. Then she switched the gas on and adjusted the fire. No sooner had the soup started to bubble than I put some potato slices in and stired. I bet I could eat an ox then! Noticing my nervous expression, David chuckled under his breath. I suppose he must be hungry as well, but he is a guy who always maintains his composure whatever. As the soup boiled over, David turned down the gas and put in some slices of mutton. Then began the race to scoop up meat from the pot. The mutton should be fished out with a high speed, otherwise it will go tough.

During the next hour, we just enjoyed our share of food separately, not bothering to care about each other. I managed to ladle some soup to David’s bowl, but was refused with a serious look. “Take care, You mustn’t burn yourself!” I moved my mouth to one side, convincing that our relationship changed much after marriage. There are not many formalities or trifles, and polite remarks are left out. If we do need to exchange views, we just speak it out bluntly. I wonder if it is an intimacy or estrangement. But in the last year when we were dating each other, we always ended up in a fancy restaurant. Every time we sat face to face, David and I would stand on ceremony. When a new dish came, I pushed it to his side, and then he pushed back, teasing his arm is longer than mine. David is humorous. Maybe as time goes by, we become much closer. Our relationship is far beyond the simple connection between husband and wife, but transforms into the affection among family members. David loves me so much and I too.

Finally, we each have had our stomach full. Not expecting to waste a grain, I took up my chopsticks and forced a few morsels in. David put down his fork and leaned back, “Emma, I must tell you something important.”

“What is it?” I looked up, surprised.

“Would you go back home and spend a few days with your parents?” David assumed a serious look.

“Why?” My voice a little blurred, I feel my heart pounding hard.

“I will be away on a business trip. Maybe you prefer to stay with your parents.” David responded in a feigned flat tone.

Heaving a long sigh, I felt relaxed. I had thought …

People hate David just because he always purposely makes a mystery of simple things. I realized he just intended to make me a fool. I replied in a casual way, “Certainly, you can go anywhere you like. This is our last dinner.” We both smiled. 

YOU ARE OLD

Well,just finish all the job, edit all the essays, especial the one which is so，well,how to say , writing with  qinzhou dialect.......

e,the most bad feeling of these days is that I really find that "I'm old".......It's a terrible thing that you have to face the reality that you are old......I saw the videos that tell us that people will have a new body every two years.....so I think my body must have deteriorated badly in the last two years......bec I feel very uncomfortable since stay up late for two or three days ,which never happen before......So I think that may the body teel me that"YOU ARE OLD" ........It's a pity thing

colors of friendship

Once upon a time the colors of the world started to quarrel.
All claimed that they were the best.
The most important.
The most useful.
The favorite.
Green said:
"Clearly I am the most important. I am the sign of life and of hope. I was chosen for grass, trees and leaves. Without me, all animals would die. Look over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority." 　
Blue interrupted:
"You only think about the earth, but consider the sky and the sea. It is the water that is the basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea. The sky gives space and peace and serenity. Without my peace, you would all be nothing." 　
Yellow chuckled:
"You are all so serious. I bring laughter, gaiety, and warmth into the world. The sun is yellow, the moon is yellow, the stars are yellow. Every time you look at a sunflower, the whole world starts to smile. Without me there would be no fun." 　
Orange started next to blow her trumpet:
"I am the color of health and strength. I may be scarce, but I am precious for I serve the needs of human life. I carry the most important vitamins. Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges, mangoes, and papayas. I don't hang around all the time, but when I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset, my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to any of you." 　
Red could stand it no longer he shouted out:
"I am the ruler of all of you. I am blood - life's blood! I am the color of danger and of bravery. I am willing to fight for a cause. I bring fire into the blood. Without me, the earth would be as empty as the moon. I am the color of passion and of love, the red rose, the poinsettia and the poppy." 　
Purple rose up to his full height:
He was very tall and spoke with great pomp: "I am the color of royalty and power. Kings, chiefs, and bishops have always chosen me for I am the sign of authority and wisdom. People do not question me! They listen and obey." 　
Finally Indigo spoke, much more quietly than all the others, but with just as much determination:
"Think of me. I am the color of silence. You hardly notice me, but without me you all become superficial. I represent thought and reflection, twilight and deep water. You need me for balance and contrast, for prayer and inner peace." 　　
And so the colors went on boasting, each convinced of his or her own superiority. Their quarreling became louder and louder. Suddenly there was a startling flash of bright lightening thunder rolled and boomed. Rain started to pour down relentlessly. The colors crouched down in fear, drawing close to one another for comfort.
In the midst of the clamor, rain began to speak:
"You foolish colors, fighting amongst yourselves, each trying to dominate the rest. Don't you know that you were each made for a special purpose, unique and different? Join hands with one another and come to me." 　
Doing as they were told, the colors united and joined hands.
The rain continued:
"From now on, when it rains, each of you will stretch across the sky in a great bow of color as a reminder that you can all live in peace. The Rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow." And so, whenever a good rain washes the world, and a Rainbow appears in the sky, let us remember to appreciate one another.

If

Many people like the word “if”, though nearly none of us think that possible. But why do we still like that word?
    In fact, it’s easy to understand. Many of us want more than we can get. So there comes the word “if”. Do you think so? What’s more, we are more impetuous.
    When we were still little guys, we always had daydreams, dreaming that we would fly, dreaming that we would be the princes or the princesses, dreaming that we would grow to be adults faster and so on. So as simple-minded children, we used to use the word “if”. If I were a bird; if I were the superman; if I were the clouds in the sky; if…
    Wandering along the street, I always hear others say, “If I hadn’t believed the ads, I would have saved the money!” “Next time if I see such ads, I would never believe those again!” As I go on and on, I find that many of us always regret doing something. Why so? Because nowadays people always forget the saying that look before you leap. We are so impetuous that we seldom stop to think over another second of the thing we are going to do. As a result, we always regret that we haven’t thought things over clearly.
    So no more “if”, because we are no longer little children that always daydream and also our life is too short to sustain so many ifs. We have no time to regret.

I like for you to be still

                        I like for you to be still: it is as though you are absent

and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you

It seems as through your eyes had flown away

and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth

As all things are filled with my soul

your emerge from the things, fill with my soul

You are like my soul, a butterfly of dreams

and you are like the word melancholy

I like for you to be still, and you seem far away

It sounds as though you are lamenting, a butterfly cooing like a dove

And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you

Let me come to be still in your silence

And let me talk to you with your silence

That is bright like a lamp, simple as a ring

You are like the night, with its stillness and constellations

Your silence is that of a star, as remont and candid

I like for you to be still: it is as though you are absent

distant and dull of sorrow, as though you had died

One word then, one smile, is enough

And I'm happy, happy that's not true

Ten years of marriage

Marriage is a magical word. The longer you are married, the more you need  to treasure it and care it, and never take it for granted.
They say that marriage needs caring and tending just like a young tree. If you do not water it or it does not enjoy plenty of sunshine, it will wither. I think it is a good and colorful metaphor which will always remind me that I need to pay attention to my marriage. I just celebrated my 10th anniversary of wedding, now as I look back, I write down whatever is on mind.

Ten years may be long to someone, but to me, as if I only met my wife just yesterday. Back then, she was just 22 years old, how youthful and cheerful   she was. We used to sit down on the sandy beach, the trees are whirling, the  congenial breeze was blowing, and we were lying on the sand, chatting and dreaming about our future, picturing what a nice villa and a car we’d like to own, and how many children we are going to have.

In fact, life turned out to be not as romantic and rosy as we imagined.We had  ups and downs together, and our love produced luscious fruits, a lovely daughter and a naughty son.

Looking at the wedding photos, I can still clearly remember the days we were married. How happy we were then. I am thankful that God gave me such a nice and beautiful wife.Yes, I have to admit secretly that my wife is beautiful,which is partly the reason that I fell in love with her at the first sight. Anyway, it is in man's nature to love beauty, isn't it? In the same way, it is in woman's nature to love handsome man.(It is a pity I  do not belong to the category, and my wife is always complaining that her dream white prince is not that handsome, and to be honest, a little bit short.)My appearance let her down.

It is always amusing to think of some of the scenes in the past, my wife liked to buy fancy and fashionable clothes, after trying it in front of the mirror, she would ask my opinions of how she looked in the new clothes. I was getting tired of this, every time I would open my eyes widely and gazed at the clothes closely, and then winked, saying jokingly:” How beautiful you are in the new clothes! But you would be more beautiful with nothing on”, she would get angry, chasing and cursing:” you wicked man!"

Now I came to realize that, besides beauty, she has something beautiful inside. Beauty is just skin deep, I know that. But inner beauty never will vanish or fade, it will always shine brilliantly. I felt depressed easily when thing went amiss with me or I had a certain bad luck, but she would always be there to   encourage me, telling me to focus on the positive side, to cherish myself  and face the setbacks head-on, she even bought some psychology books to read to better comfort me. Sometimes, I couldn't fall asleep at night; she was there to comfort me, rubbing my feet. Strangely enough, my insomnia disappeared. To my great amusement, I began to fall asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow while my wife was constantly woken or kept awake by her trumpeting (snoring) partner! It may be easy to do such these things for a day or two, but it takes patience, perseverance, more importantly, love to stick to it.  Now as I am writing down these lines, tears began to stream down my face. Moved? Happy or bittersweet tears? Only I know what it is.
"I,  take you , to be my wife to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. "The words moved me to tears whenever Isaw western wedding ceremony, most probably they mean it when saying so, but many couples turn out to strangers or enemies, both hurt seriously. Buddhism has a saying: it takes ten years of destiny to take the same boat and a hundred of destiny to share the same bed (with someone), but I used to lose my temper at my wife when I got blues, she just suffered silently.

When our daughter was born into the world, I was not at her side and it was not because of my job that I was not there instead I enjoyed myself with some friends, never did I change a wet diaper. How selfish I was! 5 years later, she gave birth to our son. And I moved to another place; seldom did I stay with her. She lived in her unit, looking after our daughter with on one around to help her. To make things worse, there was no one living in the unit during night, I could never imagine how she managed to be so courageous. "A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water", I think that my wife is even so, but I would rather I myself get into hot water instead of her.” You can not just love someone by saying you love some-one wholeheartedly while doing nothing for her.” Actions speak louder than words".

I am not successful, nor ambitious, but it is my responsibility to make sure my wife and children have a happy life. It is her dream to buy a decent car so that we can improve our life quality, but the flats cost us a huge amount of  money, we are still in debt, I made a promise that one day a nice car will be bought for her, I need to keep my promise, I need to earn a little bit more  money to make it a reality.
Dear wife, you are the only one I would like to spend the rest of life with!  I am fortunate to have you as my partner, I will love you more and more   every single happy.
“If I got down on my knees I’m being with you
if I cross a million oceans just to be with you.
would you ever let me down?

If I climb the highest mountain just to hold you tight.
If I said that I would love you every single night.
Would you ever let me down?”
My darling, deep in my heart, I know you will never let me down, ten years of marriage has given me a definite answer.

You make me so much stronger

Sitting at the back seat with my son, I felt my head hurt like hell as if it was going to explode at any time. I suffered from periodic migrainous neuralgia for many years. It has become part of my life and never bothered me too much until now. Usually, I took some pills and went for a sleep, when I woke up my old friend would go away. However, for this time the timing was really bad. We were heading home from a weekend short trip, and my son was in a high gear after a good nap. So it was impossible for me to have some quiet time, let alone a sleep. I sucked in deep breaths, fighting hot nausea which boiled in my throat. Oh, no. I can't throw up in front of my son. It would scare him. I told myself over and over again.

“Mama, Mama.." my son handed me a picture book and implored me to tell him a story. With the back of head exploding with pain, I couldn’t concentrate on the book. The words on it seemed to swirl out of the focus, so I made up one through my confused thoughts: Fox mother was sick, and the baby fox was getting hungry…. My voice was weak and twisted, as if from some far away stranger.

“Are you OK?” came from my husband, and his voice sounded strange and distant too. I didn’t know how to reply for a moment until I heard his anxious voice again: Answer me, are you all right?"

“Fine.” That’s all I could manage to speak. He was driving the car on a highway, and I couldn’t trouble him now.

“Mami is sick, be good and give mami a kiss, OK?" my husband said to my son.

Yu was so adorable that he climbed up on my legs and gave me a sweet kiss. Then he put his arms around my neck and tucked his head under my chin. “Gai, Gai.” he babbled when he pat me on the arms lightly. He tried to tuck me in like we did for him when he was not well.  For a moment, I felt my eyes stinging a little as if an invisible hand had just squeezed my heart. My son is only one and nine month old. It is impossible for him to fully understand what was going on, right?

I wanted to hold him like that forever, but the position made my head throb even worse. All the trees and bushes outside of the car window did a quick, sickening whirl. Lightly, I put him aside. For the next time, he behaved really well. He played his thumb and toy alone until he found a plane in the sky. "Fei fei" he exclaimed excitedly. We were driving on a highway, so soon the airplane disappeared into thin air. He couldn’t understand----in his memory, the plane would hang in the sky for a while. A logic answer to this mystery popped up in his little head---the plane must play hide-and-seek with him. So he covered his eyes with his plump hands for a minute. When he opened his eyes again and failed to find the plane, his lips pouted and he started to wail. Usually his logic would make me burst into a round of laugh. But not this time. Luckily, yu is not a wailing baby, and he is not difficult to deal with when he is crying.

We finally made home. When my husband was pulling over the car, I couldn‘t hold it any more. I bent over with my hands braced on my knees and I puked all over. I heard my parents coming around, "Are you Okey?"

“Get him out of there.” I managed to say. Yu was so scared. Sorry, my love.

When I felt better, I tormented myself with what-if scenarios. I am not in a fragile condition, but exposed myself long time to an unhealthy life-style, I have never been strong. What would happen to my son if I died untimely? I knew that physically he would be well-cared for. But what about his emotional wellbeing? He would grow up feeling abandoned by his mother, and no amount of logic would offset that primitive response.  It is time to make some changes. I didn’t have a care in the world, but now I have my boy to consider. It’s my responsibility to raise him, discipline him, and keep him safe while mold him into a responsible human being. So I need to take care of myself well first. From now on, I will pay regular visit to gym, and shy away all the unhealthy habits. I used not be a worrier, but I am a mother now.

without you

------
No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
You sorrow shows
Yes it shows
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore
Well I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
You sorrow shows
Yes it shows
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore

The last dinner

Last week, on mutual agreement, David and I packed our traveling bag and got on the bus heading for Qufu, the sacred city where the great philosopher Confucius once lived and studied. It’s about 20minutes’ travel. Usually, with nowhere to go, we just choose to hang around the neighboring towns or cities on weekends. There, we spent a happy day strolling around rows of fancy souvenir shops and art galleries. It was not until dark that we remembered to came back. It was 7 a.m. when we got off the bus. David suggested we have dinner in a Sichuan Hotpot Restaurant, explaining that the mutton would provide me with more energy and warm my stiff body. On hearing this, I breathed hard on my palms and rubbed my hands.

The moment David set our luggage aside, I opened the menu and began my selection. I ordered three plates of mutton, one plate of beef and some vegetables, including potato slices, spinach, and onions. David added some frozen tofu, shrimps and a plate of dumplings. Later, a waitress came over with a kettle. She took the menu and poured some white liquid into the pot, which was prefixed on the table. Then she switched the gas on and adjusted the fire. No sooner had the soup started to bubble than I put some potato slices in and stired. I bet I could eat an ox then! Noticing my nervous expression, David chuckled under his breath. I suppose he must be hungry as well, but he is a guy who always maintains his composure whatever. As the soup boiled over, David turned down the gas and put in some slices of mutton. Then began the race to scoop up meat from the pot. The mutton should be fished out with a high speed, otherwise it will go tough.

During the next hour, we just enjoyed our share of food separately, not bothering to care about each other. I managed to ladle some soup to David’s bowl, but was refused with a serious look. “Take care, You mustn’t burn yourself!” I moved my mouth to one side, convincing that our relationship changed much after marriage. There are not many formalities or trifles, and polite remarks are left out. If we do need to exchange views, we just speak it out bluntly. I wonder if it is an intimacy or estrangement. But in the last year when we were dating each other, we always ended up in a fancy restaurant. Every time we sat face to face, David and I would stand on ceremony. When a new dish came, I pushed it to his side, and then he pushed back, teasing his arm is longer than mine. David is humorous. Maybe as time goes by, we become much closer. Our relationship is far beyond the simple connection between husband and wife, but transforms into the affection among family members. David loves me so much and I too.

Finally, we each have had our stomach full. Not expecting to waste a grain, I took up my chopsticks and forced a few morsels in. David put down his fork and leaned back, “Emma, I must tell you something important.”

“What is it?” I looked up, surprised.

“Would you go back home and spend a few days with your parents?” David assumed a serious look.

“Why?” My voice a little blurred, I feel my heart pounding hard.

“I will be away on a business trip. Maybe you prefer to stay with your parents.” David responded in a feigned flat tone.

Heaving a long sigh, I felt relaxed. I had thought …

People hate David just because he always purposely makes a mystery of simple things. I realized he just intended to make me a fool. I replied in a casual way, “Certainly, you can go anywhere you like. This is our last dinner.” We both smiled. 

The winter clothing scheme

Today is Sunday, the last day of October. When I crawled out of my nest, I approached the window and draw apart the curtains. Out of expect, an icy current blew against my face, went into my nostrils, spoiling and ravaging my weak respiratory system. It seemed every nerve in my body was awakened. I coughed and kept sneezing. By instinct, I put my hand across my mouth, thus coughing pacified. Seeing my frightened look, my husband David went over and put my coat over my shoulder. One step forward, I discovered window panes were white with a thin coat of frost. “Damned weather. It should be brisk and pleasant in autumn.” I gave a puff towards the glass, tiny water drops streaming down. “Honey, there are not so many ‘should-bes’. We are experiencing unseasonable autumn weather recently. Do you remember last winter?” David assumed a mock-serious manner. Certainly I do. The cold was unbearable. My office was like an icehouse that whatever clothes you threw upon, your feet and hands still remained stiff and numb. We had to resort to hot-water bag to warm our fingers.

“Dear, don’t dwell on the past any more. Get dressed and let’s go shopping. Maybe you need a new pair of feather trousers.” David’s high-pitched voice cut off my thoughts, reining them from drifting farther. I always compare David as the worm in my stomach. Yes, he is right. I need a new pair of feather trousers. For one thing, a new cold air front is reported to be approaching Northern China. For another, my work place has moved into the western suburbs, where there are few trees and buildings to fend off the whistling winds. I swiftly slipped the clothes on and went into the washing room.

Since we moved, I have little time to go shopping. There are no commercial areas in the west. Department stores and shopping malls are clustered in the east section. Not having been in downtown for a week, I feel as if I were deserted by this bustling city. On the bus, David told me the price for feather coats has gone up dramatically, together with edible oil, sugar, vegetables and so on. My heart quivered a bit. Our monthly salary remains unchanged, how could daily goods be raised? With living expenses deducted, we have little left on the saving account every month. I explained to David that there was no need to buy an expensive one and that we had to battle against the rocketing prices. David smiled, squeezing my arm. “Dear, we only buy things we need badly, but that doesn’t mean we are bargain-hunters. Remember quality counts.” Then we spent the whole morning strolling around shelves of mountains of winter clothing, feeling the material, selecting the style, and comparing the color. Finally, our eyes were locked on a pair of black feather trousers, soft and smart. After trying it on, we were both satisfied. Though it may appear a bit swollen, it would get me through the cold winter. Money is easily spent than earned. A small portion of my salary was gone, but I gained love and care. David is a nice guy, I appreciate the opportunity to be his wife.